Sunday, July 19, 2009

Friends? can they be trusted?

Today, i'm going to give a lecture on friendship. Okay, first, what is friendship? How do you define friendship? Another keyword, what is friend? How do you categorize friends? ....

Ok.. tat was a lame introduction of the post. Forget bout it. This post is to share my thoughts to my friends on what friends (and friendship) mean to me. Many of us suffer frenship problem jz like one of my fren, ekj recently did. Well, u are not going to get bored hearing my thought. Coz my opinion towards frens arent ordinary one, in fact, it is quite negative. So u wont be seeing things like "i cant live without close frens", " frens are most important to me" or such. Let's begin. 

  1. What is friendship? Relationship between friends.
  2. What a friend means to u? Friend is a person who supports each other's daily life
  3. Is friend necessary? Yes, for a happier life
  4. Is friend important? Yes, for a happier life
  5. Will you die if you dont have friends? No.. We could survive, but life will be getting a bit harder
  6. Does friendship last forever? maybe.
  7. Will friend remain close to each other forever? Definitely Not.
  8. If a friend becomes distant to u, what will you feel? sad... for temporarily only

To me,  friend is just ppl around u who might share the same interest, have the same feelings, have the same stands, able to share feelings, or (in its bad form) able to get assistance or help. Some negative thinking ppl would say friends are just tools that manipulate each other to get what they want.  Wrong! (but the concept is right), i would say friends are kind people who have needs to help and support each other on their life journeys. There must be a 'purpose' for having a fren. To share feelings la, to kill time together, to support each other during hard times, to entertain each other by joking, to gain information by gossiping, ... Well, of coz there are evil intentions which would not be discussed here (eg: to manipulate u JUST to achieve something). With friends, you can live ur life happier (by sharing problem, receiving help or suggestion,  spending joyful moment together,  avoiding loneliness ...). Well, who says u couldnt survive without friends? your life can still be happy if u dun have the needs of having friends.

Let's talk about the lifespan of a friendship. Ever lasting friendship? lol.. if you still believe in fairy tales. Friendship can last forever, but not as close as before.   Honestly speaking, do u all really think ur best friend can continue being ur best friend forever? Let's challenge ur 'best friend thought' by asking urself these questions. 

  1. u can share ur secrets with ur best friend, spend time together, have some insider jokes with each other.. But, several years later, when he/she is not around (either transfer to distant working place, married, travelled) do u think two of u will still be able to share ur secrets, spend time together, have some insider jokes and do other best friends' activities?
  2. u can trust ur best friend very well. U tell him/her watever problem u are facing.. Ok, let's say.. u or him/her is involved in a crime (is an if-question), would u still believe him/her and tell him/her all ur problems like before. Can you still trust that person?
  3. u think ur best fren is very trustworthy. And in fact she is (at first). You think he/she will never betray u, so u dun keep any secret to ur best fren. Private information like ATM pin, company secret information, (be more imaginative) the location of tressure map and bla bla bla, u share them with ur best friend, believing he/she would not betray u. Yes, even ur best fren themselves thought they would not betray u. BUt, ppl would do everything when they are in desperation. Let's put this in something quite extreme. One day, ur best fren is kidnapped (captured), the evils forced him/her to betray u by intimidating on his/her life. DO u think he/she will still protect ur secret? Okay.. he/she very good fren, he/she could sacrifice for u.. BUt if the evils force them by intimidating them on their family lives, do u think they will still not betray u?
  4. Ok, another example. U one day very busy and very inconvenient to do something (eg: withdraw money). You have a very reliable fren. you give him/her ur atm pin number and card and u ask him/her to withdraw money. U probably think ur fren can b trusted, and he/she is not poor aso, wont steal my money, and even if he/she steals ur money, the amount is not tat much.. no harm. then ur fren help u withdraw money.. he/she never steals ur money coz he/she is really a trustable fren. After this 'challenge' u believe he/she is the most reliable fren u have. Ok.. several years passed, 'amazingly' u two still trust each other sooo much. And the practise of helping to withdraw money still goes on. Now, the 'desperation' comes, ur best fren's father owes ppl a lot of money and is in risk of danger. Your best fren 'well knows' u are a very stingy person. or maybe he/she knows u are going to use those money to get married or anything. They dun dare to ask to borrow from u, in desperation mode, they get ur atm card with excuse and withdraw ur money to help his/her family. When u realized it, even if he/she comes to apologize... will u forgive him/her? ok... u forgive him/her.. but will u still trust him/her tat much anymore?  

Actually there are still many things that can challenge ur trust to ur frens. U might say the examples i gave is too extreme.. But the concept is there... It's a direct comparison between ur best fren's desperation and the strength of ur frenship. If ur fren is not tat desperate, then frenship can last. If the strength of frenship is rather weak, simple inconvenience will make ur fren betray u. In other words, it depends on the level of desperation (the higher, the risk also higher) and the strength of frenship (the stronger, the risk lower)

So, lesson of the story, trust ur fren? yes.. pls.. Totally trust ur fren? No! Always reserve something, never tell them everything and every details.. A person is a friend when everything goes right, it could suddenly change from fren to stranger or enemy if 'something is not so right' due to many reasons.

Remember while u were in ur high school or form 5, or maybe form 6, feeling very sad when u have to part ways with ur best friends or close friends. Pls dun.. There is nothing to be sad about. Frankly, friends come and go. You will meet different friends in different stage of lives. Do u have any experience ur primary school best fren, becomes a normal fren or (abit better than) stranger kind of frens? Frens change according to situation. Primary school will have ur primary school frens, secondary school will have ur secondary school frens, university wll have ur uni frens, working place wil have ur working frens, society/organization will have its own frens, even after ur retirement u will have ur another 'set' of frens. Yes.. true, some frenship do able to survive in between those 'life stages'. But probably not as close as before. In fact... you might constantly changing ur 'best fren at the moment' based on ur current life stage. So, feeling sad over ur old frens? No nid, and not necessary. Everyone has to go his/her path.. No one walks along the same road together.  Friends.. come and go... they never stay forever with u.. The old ones left will be replaced by new ones (provided u are normal sociable person, but not introvert and closed minded ppl). U will get friends anywhere though u cant really judge if tat person is good fren, helpful fren, selfish fren or anything.. Even if u think tat person is a good fren, u cant guarantee he/she remains as a good fren in the future.. lol. it sounds so negative right? 

Actually, i wrote without following points.. but instead follow my own feelings to write. I'm not sure if i missed out something. i hope u get wat i mean. I will add it up if i realize i missed out something. Hehe.. cheer up. Friends arent tat bad. I must clarify.. what i said here is not that friends are very bad, very unreliable, very unpredictable, very dangerous.. Nononono.. just wan to tell u all, when something u think 'unexpected' happen like got betrayed by fren, fren bcome stranger or enemy, fren lost contact ...,  Just dun get too sad or down like the world has ended. Ppl are selfish. Self sacrificial frens are hard to find (if there's any). What i wan to convey here, is just be prepared for anything worst from ur frens.. Dun get too down or sad for frenship.. Remember, frens.. come and go.. 


Wei Han said...

just edit the title of the post.. that was not i my original intention to put tat title. What i want to put is just as simple as "frens" or "wat i think about frenship".
HOWEVER, i realize the post is just too long.. and ppl will get bored (even try) to read it. I nid a more 'catchy' title.. tat's why i put tat.. lol.. a bit harsh though.. but it's catchy.
(notice: i didnt mean frens cant be trusted! read carefully wat i wrote)

Chiang Jinn said...

for me..
i think ever-lasting frenship is rare to find and have..
we cant be close with the same person or gang until the day we die
coz we r owaz living in different we might be separated with our secondary school frens, when we enter uni, we start to knwo more ppl, we get new close frens, seldom ppl will still get close with his 'old' frens, we r getting to mingle with different kind of ppl everyday, don have to take frenship too seriously, as long as we treat frens well, we trust them, i think tat's enuf edy. And i don think we need a lot of frens, i hate that kind of feeling when u meet some1 u know, but not fren, but in case to not being too anti-social, u try to make fren with him, but at the end, both of u only that kind of fren when meet each other will at least greet each other. and during the situation u and some1 are in one group, then of coz u will be fren with him, but only during the camp, after that even though u meet him in campus oso no other thing to talk with each other.. so my definition towards frenship is depends on destiny, fate and trust.and it's all depends on how u define frenship as.. so in conclusion, just treat it with normal heart...don judge ur frens coz u have to judge urself first b4 u do so. hope all i had written here r not craps :P
till then, good night^^

Steward Baba said...

walao... chiang jinn comment so long... write a post also la... ahahah...

hurm, that's why for now I don't believe in best friends, i mean, this term, it just won't last. but, friendship will really last if you still care for one another, no matter where and when. if he or she din take any effort, you take coz you still want them to be part of yours.

laptop is my best friend tho, i can say, coz he is with me everyday altho sometimes he makes me mad. ahaha...

KahJoon_AJ said...

thx alot la wei han...
actually i have the same thought wif u bout the friendship.YAH,human is selfish,and I admit I am one of them,I did say that I am putting tooo much effort in one of my friendship here,but it depend on who is the person I sacrificed for...
just to tell u all that,I a being so secretive in my friendship,for not telling my friends all bout myself,all secrets which I have been keeping for years,is not because I m not trusting u all,but I just wana to protect myself from those consequences after telling others bout the secrets...

Xjion89 said...

aiyo, see u got luck or not...sometimes, you can find friends that will support you no matter. But some friends, like you said come and go....

Personally, I think that secondary friends are more ngam key with me compare to uni friends loh becoz very different background even though we are similar almost in every ways.

Wei Han said...

wah.. great response.. lol. tqtq
@jinn : true, but got one part i not really agree.. i hope i didnt misunderstand wat u mean. U dun like having 'hi-bye fren' or temporarily fren who later becomes 'hi bye fren' is it? I think hibye fren is nice also.. at least better than stranger (who doesnt hi bye at all). Hi-bye frens serve as a basis to further improve (if given chance and fate). but then true, ur last part about judging. We shudnt judge others, ( i guess u learn from ste). Sigh.. but too bad.. world just doesnt seem that 'kind'. Sometimes, for protection purpose.. initial judgement could save u from alittle trouble. lol.

@steward: haha.. i treat my laptop as my gf. perhaps best fren as well. Sigh.. others might think we are too antisocial, until laptop becomes best friend. lol

@ekj: u are right. Some deepest secret cant be shared. (actually, can, jz not brave enough.) I had a very dark secret too which i had planned to keep it until my grave. However, recently, i think telling someone wouldnt be tat serious aso. Just have to make sure tat someone is trustable. It takes me sometime to seek for trustable persons and there are several 'qualified ppl'. However, i still not dare to tell them, lol.. dunno why.. very afraid things will change after secret is revealed. lol

@xinjiat: not some, most.. at least 90% frens come and go.. somebody will replace them as ur close frens (my theory). Anyway, what i discovered the difference between uni frens and secondary frens is.. uni frens tend to be more selfish? more rational? more critical? it seems like uni frens are doing calculation, evaluation, judgement, comparison and so before making a fren. (lol, maybe exaggerate abit) WHile secondary school frens are.. simply innocent. lol. We dont think tat much tat time. haha.

Little Bee said...

Ya, when we are at different stage of life, we meet and we know new friends. As what u said, some best friends in ur primary school, after separation, we see and experience different thing, then the common consensus no longer there. But most important thing is enjoy and be happy with your current good friends now.
We might get separated one day due to various reasons, but why not we try to appreciate every happy moment we have now and leave it as a good memory for the future.
Be sincere to the friends whom you consider they are. =)