走出来了

    近期与一位好朋友反目成仇了，听起来非常幼稚，有点儿像小时候朋友们互相向对方说“不和你玩了”一样，说翻脸就翻脸；说和好就和好。可惜的是，我们不再是儿童了，我们有了那'神圣'的尊严。

    “若是能回到过去，你会选择改变当初绝交的决定吗？” 不，我不会。我已经明白自从“那件事”发生后，我们的友情已无可挽回。当彼此产生了磨擦与误会，个人的偏见将取代理智，成为毁灭友情的凶手。既然已经不能挽救，那就算了吧，也许能因此减少更多不必要的摩擦。

    如果你问我当时生气吗？当然生气！失望吗？非常失望！我不否认，我的确厌恶我那当初的好朋友。他怎么能这样做呢？为什么要把我的好心当狗吠呢？为什么要狗咬吕洞宾呢？我不能理解，为何君子之腹会被贬为小人之心？好，这还不要紧，绝交之后，我当以为一切将风平浪静，再无这些风风雨雨。谁知他竟在面子书上诋毁我、贬低我，让许多朋友发现，纷纷问我发生了什么事。我真的不能明白，他怎么这么憎恨我呢？似乎我才是那受害者啊！

    但是，今天在我漫长的驾驶途中，我忽然想通了。当心境豁达了，人也想开了。冤冤相报何时了？为什么要折腾自己呢？虽然至今我毅不能体会当初他的所做所为，也许它将成为我这一生中无可解开的迷。他或许有他的苦衷，或许我不够细心，或许他不在乎我的感受，或许或许...这都不再重要。恨他吗？当初恨！但现在我却想:为何恨？恨他不顾我的感受吗？恨他不在乎这友情吗？恨他恨我吗？？退一步海阔天空，思维也变得更清晰，不再把焦点集中在恨字上。当‘恨’被移开了，从前许许多多的愉快回忆涌入脑海中，原来我们曾经如此欢乐，如此在乎彼此，如此感谢对方给自己带来的愉悦。有些回忆是一生也不能忘怀的。所以，为什么要恨呢？不，我不恨他，反之我感激他。

    想开了，那...和好吧？不能。不是不要，是不能。有些伤口就算痊愈了，但会留下伤疤。这友情里有太多的误会，偏见，争执...可惜的是，这友情真是不能挽回了。其实人各有志，道不同，不相为谋，何必强求呢? 现在，我该做的是珍惜其他仍存在的友谊，时而怀念当时我们所拥有的愉快时光，这已经足够了。或许他依然厌恨我，但无所谓，无论如何，我，已经彻底原谅他了。冤冤相报何时了，希望哪日我们能相逢一笑泯恩仇。 

    请恭喜我，我将不再被这件事情折磨，不必再为这而变得心浮气燥、心烦意乱。因为我知道，我已经走出来了，我已经脱离这友情的枷锁，走出来了、解脱了！

Being a Fool

Do you have a friend who gets emo easily and never tell people why he/she is emo-ing about? It will leave you guessing and wondering in what sense you offended that person and caused the emo. Well, I used to have such a friend.

It was a kind gesture for me, yesterday night, to advise or remind to him that speaking out could be better, rather than letting people guessing and wondering what they had done that made him emo. My theory is simple: If the emoness is a result of miscommunication or misunderstanding, then the emoness can be resolved quickly. Thus reducing the duration and frequency of his emoness. Oh well, as expected, he disagreed with my way of handling emoness. Oh fine~ it's not that I expect him to say "oh yeah, thanks for telling, I will try to change". It's more like a "just for you to know" advice. If he takes it, then good; if he doesn't, at least I did my part as a friend.

However, things got uglier when I started to further convince/persuade him on my points. He said, that's just my personal opinion and the reason i told him this is for benefit of myself. (What?!? How does that benefit me!?) Anyway, I told him that some of our mutual friend did tell me about this, so it's not just my personal opinion, some other friends also have the similar thoughts. At that moment, suddenly he went berserk, asking me to stop judging him, (Oh? that's how he defines 'judge'?) who do I think I am to judge him and etc. Judging him? if he isnt a close friend of mine, ermm.. i mean if he wasn't a close friend of mine, i wouldn't even bother to tell him that. Telling the ugly truth needs a lot courage and strong friendship for that to happen, well, i guess our friendship is totally fragile then.

After he had gone mad, I told him if he doesn't agree with the point is okay, but there's no need to be emo about it, just ignore my advice/opinion if so. And this is the time he uses the famous analogy: " If i slap you, and say just ignore that, can or not?" When I listened to that 'analogy', I was actually having some thunderstorm in my heart, yeah anger. In his mind, my kind advice as a friend is equivalent to a slap?? If i knew he think like this, I rather slapped him hard since he probably thinks is the same, and perhaps i have more pleasure doing so. And finally, he continued went berserk and asked me to get lost.


Get lost, first time in my life people said that to me, not in a kidding tone. And it's after my effort of trying to be a good friend. Yes, I knew it beforehand that he isnt a person who likes to listen to these. But, I just couldn't resist myself to tell him that. To me, it's a responsibility of being a close friend, inform and remind that friend about the weakness, at least in my opinion. Hey, u don't wanna listen then it's okay. I just wanted to let you know what I think and what some others might think. Who knows one day you might realize what i said was right.. or if that day doesnt happen, it's alright. I just trying to be a friend, wanting to let you know, the impression u give to others when u emo. I expect you to be defensive, but not to be aggresive! I told one of my friends about this 'incident'. And my friend actually said, if i said that to him,he would thank me for telling him this. Okay, it was nice to hear that. Anyway, I did not expect to be appreciated and thanked for doing this, that's not my purpose anyway. I just want him to be a better person, at least in my own opinion. And what did i get in return? "GET LOST."

So, in conclusion, I'm trying to do a friend's duty to advice/remind a friend about his weakness and he took that as 'a slap' instead of a kind gesture and asked me to get lost. Hmmm.. what do we call this kind of person, trying to be good but ended up being 'appreciated' so badly? I call that, a fool.

Ah... and I'm that stupid fool.  

The Last Day of Our Lives

So I've been reading this novel "Before I Fall" by Lauren Oliver. It's a very enlightening novel, I would say. Don't worry there, I'm not going to blog a boring review about that book. The novel narrates how a girl spent last day of life until she encountered a fatal accident. Surprisingly, she didnt die, when she gained conscious, she was back to the beginning of the day when her alarm rang, and she experienced the same occasion as the 'Last Day' she had on her 'death day'.

Hence the question now is, how would u re-live your last day?

The protagonist in the story had (so far i've read) died and repeated her last day for 3 times d. The changes in her actions on her "Death day" had changed some of the outcomes of her last day, for example: she discovered her boy friend didnt really love her, she discovered her best friend lied to her, she discovered the person she bullied killed herself... etc..

Each and every single action we did causes different outcomes and impacts to self, people around you and people related to you. What's on my mind now was:
"Did I mistreat anyone today?"
"Am I being unjust to some people?"
"What if I did this rather than doing that?"
"What would I do if I'm about to die tonight?"

Thinking bout those questions, I realized (well, we always know this, but we seldom do it) that we can just... pass away at any moment. What should I do now so that I wouldnt regret if tonight is my last day of staying alive? After a short while, I've decided what to do. I called my mom to tell her I miss her. And I love her. I told my siblings that I love them too. I told my friends that I care for them; regardless of whether they care about me or not. I said thanks to people who really concern about me, and I appreciate their caring. I apologized to people who I've ignored or neglected, coz I know it might make a big difference to their lives, although it's from a small tiny effort from me.

Just sharing anyway, that's what I did.  And perhaps, you might wanna do the same too. We wouldn't know when and how our lives are going to be ended. If today is my last day of living, at least I had done what I wanted. "Live as though its your last day" the good old saying, I know we all aware of this, but we really need to be reminded on this.

Social Hunger

Finally reached home from that 8 hours bus ride. Damn, hate wasting all my time on the bus, doing nothing and achieving nothing. I've been thinking a lot during the 8 hours bus journey. Something I can conclude is listening songs in the bus during Night Time would really make one becomes emo. Just imagine, I can even feel sad by listening Nicki Minaj's Starship. It was meant to be a cheerful and relaxing song!

Recently, I had great mood swing. The exact reason that caused it, I'm not sure. However,I do realize that I had a strong urge in getting new friends, meeting old friends, etc. I call that: the social hunger. Desperately craving for friendship to fill up the emptiness in heart. Well, I'm aware that I'm not that lonely, but I'm really feeling lonely for no apparent reason. I'm envious of good friendship of others, I miss the old pals that gave me lots of joy, I am disappointed with some responses of the new friends but I take some of my friends' sincerity for granted. :-(  I've tried. I keep on reminding myself to appreciate those who really treat me well, and I've tried my best to do the same to them. But sometimes, i still tend to neglect their good will and take them for granted. It's that human nature to not appreciate things that you have while getting envious with things that you haven't gotten?

Now i've returned to Kuantan, a place where I live alone, eat alone and basically do everything alone. I do not have many friends here, in fact, I only have One friend who I can actually be myself. I couldnt be myself at work, for some reasons: pride, reputation, impression, etc... And I dislike wearing mask when dealing with colleagues. Furthermore, being the Only Chinese in my company does make my social life incomplete. Not that I'm racist, but language barrier and generation gap are the real factors that barricade the friendship between my colleagues and me. Yes, I am lonely and that's why I eagerly involve myself in the virtual world to seek for friendship in order to stop my social hunger.

Perhaps I've been expecting too much from others. I need distractions, either from novels or from pc games to keep my mind occupied, so that i wouldnt think too much and made myself emo.
Actually, I know I'm not alone but I'm feeling forever alone. This isn't right!

Between Forgiveness and Cruelty

" It's just a minor conflict of opinions, why you have to make it seem so serious?"

" What's over is over, the thing you should be doing now is to fix this."

" You know you care about the friendship, and because of this, do something about it"

" It isn't very difficult to you to repair this broken friendship, is it?"

- Forgiveness Mode

" If the person care, he/she will do something about it."
" It's ridiculous that the person will get angry for simple things like this, there will be second, third, ... time in the future."
" Why should you give in so much effort to save something that that person doesn't even appreciate?"
" Don't be a fool, things will never going to be the same again."

- Cruelty Mode


From morning till midnight, I've been changing 'modes' from time to time, between saving the friendship or letting it go. A weird person, am I? Having a Mother Teresa's heart at one time while having Nazi's cruelty at another time. It's not the first time I experienced this, perhaps I really have split personalities. hmmm... any psychological doctor pls?