年年岁岁花相似 岁岁年年人不同

又一年了。

觉得大家都变了。

距离也远了。

也变得不在乎了。



怎么觉得周围的人戴的面具更厚了呢？

心里多少有那么点感叹。

物是人非呀~



自己也变了，

也不敢肯定自己是往好的方向转变呢，

还是往更坏的方向转变？

也许好坏参半吧。

只能说自己稍微地成长了，

也比较懂得保护自己。



还记得小时候我们常说

他是好人，他是坏人...

现在却觉得这世界上坏人并不多，

但是...

好人更少！

大多数人都亦好亦坏

只要无利益冲突，大家都是好人；

反之要是有利益冲突，...

大家心知肚明吧。



有时自己想做一个好人，

但是， 做好人...

苦啊！


无法否认，

自己的确变了。

岁岁年年人不同，

很好奇

明年的你我又会如何不同呢？

Being a Fool

Do you have a friend who gets emo easily and never tell people why he/she is emo-ing about? It will leave you guessing and wondering in what sense you offended that person and caused the emo. Well, I used to have such a friend.

It was a kind gesture for me, yesterday night, to advise or remind to him that speaking out could be better, rather than letting people guessing and wondering what they had done that made him emo. My theory is simple: If the emoness is a result of miscommunication or misunderstanding, then the emoness can be resolved quickly. Thus reducing the duration and frequency of his emoness. Oh well, as expected, he disagreed with my way of handling emoness. Oh fine~ it's not that I expect him to say "oh yeah, thanks for telling, I will try to change". It's more like a "just for you to know" advice. If he takes it, then good; if he doesn't, at least I did my part as a friend.

However, things got uglier when I started to further convince/persuade him on my points. He said, that's just my personal opinion and the reason i told him this is for benefit of myself. (What?!? How does that benefit me!?) Anyway, I told him that some of our mutual friend did tell me about this, so it's not just my personal opinion, some other friends also have the similar thoughts. At that moment, suddenly he went berserk, asking me to stop judging him, (Oh? that's how he defines 'judge'?) who do I think I am to judge him and etc. Judging him? if he isnt a close friend of mine, ermm.. i mean if he wasn't a close friend of mine, i wouldn't even bother to tell him that. Telling the ugly truth needs a lot courage and strong friendship for that to happen, well, i guess our friendship is totally fragile then.

After he had gone mad, I told him if he doesn't agree with the point is okay, but there's no need to be emo about it, just ignore my advice/opinion if so. And this is the time he uses the famous analogy: " If i slap you, and say just ignore that, can or not?" When I listened to that 'analogy', I was actually having some thunderstorm in my heart, yeah anger. In his mind, my kind advice as a friend is equivalent to a slap?? If i knew he think like this, I rather slapped him hard since he probably thinks is the same, and perhaps i have more pleasure doing so. And finally, he continued went berserk and asked me to get lost.


Get lost, first time in my life people said that to me, not in a kidding tone. And it's after my effort of trying to be a good friend. Yes, I knew it beforehand that he isnt a person who likes to listen to these. But, I just couldn't resist myself to tell him that. To me, it's a responsibility of being a close friend, inform and remind that friend about the weakness, at least in my opinion. Hey, u don't wanna listen then it's okay. I just wanted to let you know what I think and what some others might think. Who knows one day you might realize what i said was right.. or if that day doesnt happen, it's alright. I just trying to be a friend, wanting to let you know, the impression u give to others when u emo. I expect you to be defensive, but not to be aggresive! I told one of my friends about this 'incident'. And my friend actually said, if i said that to him,he would thank me for telling him this. Okay, it was nice to hear that. Anyway, I did not expect to be appreciated and thanked for doing this, that's not my purpose anyway. I just want him to be a better person, at least in my own opinion. And what did i get in return? "GET LOST."

So, in conclusion, I'm trying to do a friend's duty to advice/remind a friend about his weakness and he took that as 'a slap' instead of a kind gesture and asked me to get lost. Hmmm.. what do we call this kind of person, trying to be good but ended up being 'appreciated' so badly? I call that, a fool.

Ah... and I'm that stupid fool.  

The Last Day of Our Lives

So I've been reading this novel "Before I Fall" by Lauren Oliver. It's a very enlightening novel, I would say. Don't worry there, I'm not going to blog a boring review about that book. The novel narrates how a girl spent last day of life until she encountered a fatal accident. Surprisingly, she didnt die, when she gained conscious, she was back to the beginning of the day when her alarm rang, and she experienced the same occasion as the 'Last Day' she had on her 'death day'.

Hence the question now is, how would u re-live your last day?

The protagonist in the story had (so far i've read) died and repeated her last day for 3 times d. The changes in her actions on her "Death day" had changed some of the outcomes of her last day, for example: she discovered her boy friend didnt really love her, she discovered her best friend lied to her, she discovered the person she bullied killed herself... etc..

Each and every single action we did causes different outcomes and impacts to self, people around you and people related to you. What's on my mind now was:
"Did I mistreat anyone today?"
"Am I being unjust to some people?"
"What if I did this rather than doing that?"
"What would I do if I'm about to die tonight?"

Thinking bout those questions, I realized (well, we always know this, but we seldom do it) that we can just... pass away at any moment. What should I do now so that I wouldnt regret if tonight is my last day of staying alive? After a short while, I've decided what to do. I called my mom to tell her I miss her. And I love her. I told my siblings that I love them too. I told my friends that I care for them; regardless of whether they care about me or not. I said thanks to people who really concern about me, and I appreciate their caring. I apologized to people who I've ignored or neglected, coz I know it might make a big difference to their lives, although it's from a small tiny effort from me.

Just sharing anyway, that's what I did.  And perhaps, you might wanna do the same too. We wouldn't know when and how our lives are going to be ended. If today is my last day of living, at least I had done what I wanted. "Live as though its your last day" the good old saying, I know we all aware of this, but we really need to be reminded on this.

Social Hunger

Finally reached home from that 8 hours bus ride. Damn, hate wasting all my time on the bus, doing nothing and achieving nothing. I've been thinking a lot during the 8 hours bus journey. Something I can conclude is listening songs in the bus during Night Time would really make one becomes emo. Just imagine, I can even feel sad by listening Nicki Minaj's Starship. It was meant to be a cheerful and relaxing song!

Recently, I had great mood swing. The exact reason that caused it, I'm not sure. However,I do realize that I had a strong urge in getting new friends, meeting old friends, etc. I call that: the social hunger. Desperately craving for friendship to fill up the emptiness in heart. Well, I'm aware that I'm not that lonely, but I'm really feeling lonely for no apparent reason. I'm envious of good friendship of others, I miss the old pals that gave me lots of joy, I am disappointed with some responses of the new friends but I take some of my friends' sincerity for granted. :-(  I've tried. I keep on reminding myself to appreciate those who really treat me well, and I've tried my best to do the same to them. But sometimes, i still tend to neglect their good will and take them for granted. It's that human nature to not appreciate things that you have while getting envious with things that you haven't gotten?

Now i've returned to Kuantan, a place where I live alone, eat alone and basically do everything alone. I do not have many friends here, in fact, I only have One friend who I can actually be myself. I couldnt be myself at work, for some reasons: pride, reputation, impression, etc... And I dislike wearing mask when dealing with colleagues. Furthermore, being the Only Chinese in my company does make my social life incomplete. Not that I'm racist, but language barrier and generation gap are the real factors that barricade the friendship between my colleagues and me. Yes, I am lonely and that's why I eagerly involve myself in the virtual world to seek for friendship in order to stop my social hunger.

Perhaps I've been expecting too much from others. I need distractions, either from novels or from pc games to keep my mind occupied, so that i wouldnt think too much and made myself emo.
Actually, I know I'm not alone but I'm feeling forever alone. This isn't right!

Between Forgiveness and Cruelty

" It's just a minor conflict of opinions, why you have to make it seem so serious?"

" What's over is over, the thing you should be doing now is to fix this."

" You know you care about the friendship, and because of this, do something about it"

" It isn't very difficult to you to repair this broken friendship, is it?"

- Forgiveness Mode

" If the person care, he/she will do something about it."
" It's ridiculous that the person will get angry for simple things like this, there will be second, third, ... time in the future."
" Why should you give in so much effort to save something that that person doesn't even appreciate?"
" Don't be a fool, things will never going to be the same again."

- Cruelty Mode


From morning till midnight, I've been changing 'modes' from time to time, between saving the friendship or letting it go. A weird person, am I? Having a Mother Teresa's heart at one time while having Nazi's cruelty at another time. It's not the first time I experienced this, perhaps I really have split personalities. hmmm... any psychological doctor pls?

Going to turn 23 soon.

Time flies, April 14th already.

This indicates I am going to turn 23 years old very soon. I still remember when I was 21 (internship), i used to have the other interns who were 23 years old working in the same company, telling them that they are old. And now, without noticing, I'm the one who is in this 'old' age.

22nd year was not a very nice year. There were many ups and downs, like dramas. But, I survived. And I grow up from that. People say, we learn from mistakes. Indeed, it's very true. I think I am more mature comparatively, I suppose partly is due to the fact that I am now a 'working adult'.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's over, and I begin my new life in Kuantan. Inspired by my brother, I hid my birthdate at facebook. So, people won't get a friendly reminder to tell them "it's my birthday, faster wish me happy birthday". I don't expect many people remember though, but for those who remember, thank you very much. :-)

Perhaps you are interested on why I hid my birth date, the rationale are as below;

1. Birthday wishes from hi-bye friends, or even 'friends' who are not really.. friends.. if you know what i mean. It's unnecessary. I won't feel grateful or appreciative if these people wish me birthday.
2. I'm getting lazy to wish people happy birthday recently. But I will feel guilty if they wish me while i didn't wish them. But Hey, hiding my birthdate definitely will reduce great sum of people wishing me birthday. And there goes my guilt, simple and easy.
3. It's interesting to know who really remember your birthday without needing a reminder from facebook. (i dont expect much, could be zero). Those who remember my birthday might not be my best friends, but at least it will let me to know that they are really care about me. Oh? you can't remember my birthdate? Don't worry, I'm not going to be mad.. Coz.. i cant remember yours too. lol.

Hmm..
About birthday present..
As usual, please dont give me decorative items.. I don't know where to put them. They only bathe in dust if you give them to me. Give me something useful, like ties, shirt, pen, bag, watch, specs, whatever usable items. I will be very grateful. Haha. Of course, the birthday gift must come from total willingness. Forced gifts means nothing, I don't accept insincere gifts, no matter how valuable they are. (erm.. if you give me a condo or bungalow, this i can consider.. lol)

Well, I know i long time never update the blog, nor visit your blogs.. Here to say hi to everyone, I'm still alive. Still handsome, still smart, still .. ah~~ you know la. Just fill in any positive adjectives, that will be me! haha. Okay, I'm still as thick face as ever. (Virtually only, i'm very shy in real life. *blush*) hahahaha.

For those who dunno my birthdate but found out my birthdate from some sources, please inform me, i want to delete/remove that info too. Happy be-earliered birthay to myself... haha.

Split Personality

I recently notice I have split personality.

Sometimes i like something very much, then sometimes i dislike something.. very random.

For example,

Case 1:
Friday 10am, I dislike a person.
Then afternoon 3pm, I like a person very much.
Then at night, I think that person is a bit annoying.
Midnight, I miss that person...

Case 2:
Morning: I'm very excited on the outing on friday.
Afternoon: I dont think i want to go to the outing.
Night: I should have just slept.. don't waste time.
Midnight: So looking forward to the outing..

Case 3:
That item looks decent... first glance
That item is ugly.. not worth the price at all.. after a while.
Waste of my time, should have left it earlier.
Left: Actually that item quite nice one, should have purchased it.

Is it just me? or everyone has this split 'mind' as well.. (i suppose case 3 is quite common)

Friends Bin

I feel some friends are really needed to be throw into rubbish bin.
Is my expectation too high? I think so.

Actually, I'm not being selfish.. It's just that I loved myself more than anyone would.
You, him and her... should just go into rubbish bin! farewell.. no no.. no farewell. i dun wanna c u again.

Travelling & Vacation

Was glancing through my friend's blog --> on his vacation in Paris.

Oh well, I have to admit, I'm just glancing through.. looking at the pictures only.. I've been too lazy to read them all. It's not that I am about to go visit that place anytime soon; i've never pictured myself being in Paris anyway.
And that's the issue! I've never pictured myself in Paris or elsewhere.. It's like a dream to me.. Is it my destiny to stuck in Msia whole time?

Thinking bout winter.. thinking bout friendly people.. and thinking bout going wild from my  'shell' that serves to protect my image. I'm a coward.. and i actually wanna run away from many things.. i suppose having a vacation at a place far far away would give me some mental sanctuary, i hope.

Going alone, seems too lonely.. although there's more freedom, flexibility and perhaps some lone ranger's joy. But I wouldnt survive. I know i'm not a independent type of person, though i'm not too dependent either. I would prefer someone to be togetherwhen we had hardship.. or enjoy the precious moments. Joy is to be shared.. If we couldn't share our happiness with others, perhaps the happiness is not much of a happiness in that case.

Anyway, i'm babbling too much. Even myself not really sure what's the motive of posting this. Is this an invitation post to others so that they could invite me for trip along? haha.. Probably yes!

Contradicting Thoughts to watch a movie

Long time never been to cinema already..
Saw there are quite some nice movies up these days.. Perhaps I've been too long never go cinema, thus the nice movies pile up like a hill.

Anyway, i wanna watch movie..
but i dun wanna watch alone..
but i dun wanna ask ppl to watch together...
...
yeah... have u seen the contradicting point?

Continue my contradicting thoughts~

What a surprise

Someone just told me that he/she is not straight.

What a surprise!!

loneliness - "It takes time.."

When I first came to Kuantan,

I was lonely.

And people told me..

"It takes time.."

I believe them

So I wait...

Then they say

you shouldnt be waiting

you should get new friends

coz "it takes time...

to find new friends.."

I tried..

and i got new friends

but i still feel lonely..

then they say

"it takes time...

for new friends to become closer"

I believe them..

but i didnt take action

coz i'm lazy.

however now...

i dun really feel lonely

... anymore.

it's true that....

"it takes time"

for me to feel less lonely..

just that, instead of

"it takes time to get closer friends"

what happened to me was..

"it takes time to adapt to the loneliness"..

and i've adapted it.

Hope he is well~

Received news bout my fren's dad passing away.
It must be torturing. Hope he can cope with the loss.
Kind reminder to everyone of us to appreciate the time we have with family.

A New Start in a New Place

And so here i am, away from home and KL, ended up at a strange place that I've never been before.
This is the first time I came to east coast, and I'm gonna based here permanently. How odd it was, I can imagine that I end up staying at Penang, KL, Kedah, Johor or even Malacca, but not Kuantan.

Kuantan is a nice place though, similar to Ipoh, quite peaceful in a way. There's heavier traffic jam issue here and food is slightly more expensive. A nice place to stay i would say. However, I'm not very glad to be here, coz i'm lonely.

I've no friends here. All my colleagues are new and M (dont mean to be racist), housemates are uncles and aunties or.. grandma? Nearest friend is at least few hundred kilometres away. How sad is that?

A new job position, new place and new people.. it's a new start. Hope i can cope well in this pleasant place.

Return~

Just came back from 2 weeks of training... It feels weird.

I'm quite happy that I finally get to reunite with my laptop (i didn't bring it along to the training). And be able to do things that I like (games, novel, drama...)

But I'm quite sad that I gotta go back to work and live my rotten life when I'm not at work.

There are some changes with my thoughts after I came back from the training. I can't describe it clearly, but i don't think it is a good change. Things are like getting distant to me... many things aren't as important as I perceived before... Hmm.. it's hard to describe this feeling. Coz it's very abstract.

2 weeks in training made me forget my usual routine. I cant even remember what items that I usually bring to work. I'm a bit lost when I return to my KL home. I lost track with my tasks at work... I'm so blur.

Actually, things didn't change much here, but awkwardly, I feel I'm older now.

The Extra One

Odd one out. That's one of the best description to be used on me in my working environment.
Oh yeah, there's another better description that fits: The extra one.

I'm like the invisible one at work.
In fact, there's no difference between having me and not having me for my company. There's totally no need for me to exist in that company. Not to mention the company, I did not even have slightest contribution to my department even. It's a weird feeling, to be there, doing nothing and get salary.

I have two other colleagues who joined the company a little bit earlier than me. They are almost as free as I do, but they have internet access and I don't (yet). For some reasons, people of higher positions tend to give them some works to do, but not me, definitely not me. It's a weird situation, very weird.

I know things going to get much better after Raya festival. It's okay~ There's only 3 more working days before Raya comes... I'll be patient for being the Extra one for 3 more days.

Lesbians and Guilt

Lesbians
On the way back to my room after I had my lunch, i saw two lesbians holding hands. This is not the first time I saw it, and I think it is disgusting. The picture of them holding hands together was just awful. I'm not discriminating their sexual orientation, it's just that I hope they can try not to reveal it so openly. It doesn't matter what they want to do in their house or what, but displaying it so publicly just makes me sick. Especially both girls are tom-boy types with spiky hairs and baggy attire. How should i describe? It's like seeing two girls pretend to be like guys and have a gay relationship, covering both transsexual and gay relationship. Seeing that sight easily spoil my great mood for the day.

Guilt
We were at the same elevator with some of their friends. And once the lift reached my floor level, i couldn't wait to get out of that lift. However, one of their friends was blocking the way, which in my opinion is kinda stupid. Coz she was like standing at the middle of the elevator gate and she doesn't have even a slight intention to give way. However, before I started to growl "excuse me", one of the lesbians tries to indicate her friend to give way, and so she did give way (though it was more like me squeezing through a tiny space gap in between to get out). After getting out of the lift, on the way heading back to my house, I was thinking these few questions:

Why did I disapprove them so much? are they being lesbians something very wrong?
Why did I hate them? and they didn't even try to slightly offend me.
Why did I so care about them being tomboy and les? It's none of my business. Plus, they have their own choices.
What if they are good people? Even if they are les, they certainly can be very nice people as well.
What if I misunderstand them? If they aren't lesbians? What gives me rights to comment them this way?

So, it turns back to the same question. Why did I hate them? They have not offended me, nor do I think lesbians are sinful since everyone has their own right to choose their path(i'm free thinker). Even if they are lesbians, they can be good people as well. And why should I hate any kind of good people in that case? If they aren't lesbians but just close friends who hold hands all the time, the comments I gave just now must be hurtful. And  merely because of my initial judgment and wrong perception, it just made me disapprove the two girls so much! It makes me feel Guilty! very guilty. I understand the power of humans' perception, it can simply leads us to a wrong or bad conclusion. In this case, I'm lucky that I 'realized' that I'm being biased to them. But... in our lives, how many times would we 'realize' that we are being unfair to the others due to our own perceptions. All the while, we only blame, criticize and disapprove others but never question our own thinking. I think I learned a vital lesson here: never rely on our initial judgment and biased perception. I hope I can remember this incident and apply it in many other situations in the future. Yeah, I'm just HOPING, coz we all know that, it is not EASY to apply this in our lives. I hope you all learn something from here too.

Leaving from Home to another Home

So, tonight is the last night I live in my home in Ipoh. I suppose after today, I can't say that I'm still living in Ipoh anymore. I would be only 'staying' at Ipoh rather than living since it is no longer my permanent home.

Kinda miss it actually. I've never really distanced myself from this home since my uni is nearby and I almost go home every weekend during my study life. Home is like a sanctuary for me to avoid stress, troubles and irritating stuffs. Here, I spend my time rotting in front of computer playing games, reading novels, chatting and listening to music. But now, it is the moment to bid farewell to my mosquitoless room and my comfortable bed.

Leaving Ipoh tomoro to my another new home at KL, i have a mixed feeling. I'm excited to be able to start a new adventurous life while feeling anxious of the new changes it will bring to me. I'm not a person who loves changes (due to my lazy nature). Let's hope that my new Home will be as nice as or nicer than my previous home.

Let me have one last happy dream on my comfortable bed in my mosquitoless room tonight before I permanently move out. And I sadly admit, my holiday is ending very very soon...

Jealousy

Jealousy...
Sometimes i really jealous with someone else.. especially when they are better than me.

Why is someone smarter than me?
Why is someone healthier than me?
Why is someone better looking than me?
Why is someone more hardworking than me?
Why is someone luckier than me?
Why is someone kinder than me?
Why is someone have better achievement than me?
Why is someone ...

I understand everyone has his/her own strength and weakness. Some people got look but no brain. Some people got brain but short life. Some people got luck but worthless.
But still, i will admire people who are better than me in certain aspects, and i hate to be inferior when compared to them. Only if I'm SUPER well rounded.. Haha. i guess i'm just too greedy.

On second thought, if i'm super intelligent, very healthy, have the best look, very lucky, have very positive characteristics, and have superb achievement.... I suppose, the world wouldn't be as interesting as it is. BUT... I dun mind! LOL

The Dark Days

Do you have this memory of experiencing a period of total sadness and pain? In that period, you were always suffered, despair and helpless.. Yeah, I have it and I called it the Dark Days..

Although the Dark Days were long gone, I keep on thinking and recalling about that particular period. There's something I don't understand. Why did i react that negatively during that moment? The sadness and pain were real; but i found it silly to feel that way. This is really weird.

Anyway, i'm very glad that the Dark Days were over. Let's hope that you (readers) and me will never have dark days again in the future. :D