年年岁岁花相似 岁岁年年人不同

又一年了。

觉得大家都变了。

距离也远了。

也变得不在乎了。



怎么觉得周围的人戴的面具更厚了呢？

心里多少有那么点感叹。

物是人非呀~



自己也变了，

也不敢肯定自己是往好的方向转变呢，

还是往更坏的方向转变？

也许好坏参半吧。

只能说自己稍微地成长了，

也比较懂得保护自己。



还记得小时候我们常说

他是好人，他是坏人...

现在却觉得这世界上坏人并不多，

但是...

好人更少！

大多数人都亦好亦坏

只要无利益冲突，大家都是好人；

反之要是有利益冲突，...

大家心知肚明吧。



有时自己想做一个好人，

但是， 做好人...

苦啊！


无法否认，

自己的确变了。

岁岁年年人不同，

很好奇

明年的你我又会如何不同呢？

The Last Day of Our Lives

So I've been reading this novel "Before I Fall" by Lauren Oliver. It's a very enlightening novel, I would say. Don't worry there, I'm not going to blog a boring review about that book. The novel narrates how a girl spent last day of life until she encountered a fatal accident. Surprisingly, she didnt die, when she gained conscious, she was back to the beginning of the day when her alarm rang, and she experienced the same occasion as the 'Last Day' she had on her 'death day'.

Hence the question now is, how would u re-live your last day?

The protagonist in the story had (so far i've read) died and repeated her last day for 3 times d. The changes in her actions on her "Death day" had changed some of the outcomes of her last day, for example: she discovered her boy friend didnt really love her, she discovered her best friend lied to her, she discovered the person she bullied killed herself... etc..

Each and every single action we did causes different outcomes and impacts to self, people around you and people related to you. What's on my mind now was:
"Did I mistreat anyone today?"
"Am I being unjust to some people?"
"What if I did this rather than doing that?"
"What would I do if I'm about to die tonight?"

Thinking bout those questions, I realized (well, we always know this, but we seldom do it) that we can just... pass away at any moment. What should I do now so that I wouldnt regret if tonight is my last day of staying alive? After a short while, I've decided what to do. I called my mom to tell her I miss her. And I love her. I told my siblings that I love them too. I told my friends that I care for them; regardless of whether they care about me or not. I said thanks to people who really concern about me, and I appreciate their caring. I apologized to people who I've ignored or neglected, coz I know it might make a big difference to their lives, although it's from a small tiny effort from me.

Just sharing anyway, that's what I did.  And perhaps, you might wanna do the same too. We wouldn't know when and how our lives are going to be ended. If today is my last day of living, at least I had done what I wanted. "Live as though its your last day" the good old saying, I know we all aware of this, but we really need to be reminded on this.

Loneliness and Friends

I've been lonely for days... hiding in my room read novels and watch series most of the time. There's mixed feelings within me. Sometimes I think i don't need friends at all; sometimes i miss some of my old buddies back then; sometimes i hate some of my old friends for some reasons that cannot be revealed; and sometimes i think some of my 'friends' are useless and not worthy to be 'thought' as friends anymore.

Useless Friends
Let's begin with these useless friends who arent worthy to be considered as your friends at all. Do you realize that you actually have a lot of 'junk' friends. Just like your inbox, there are many mails. And sometimes there are some junk mails and spams that you don't need and never give you benefits at all. It will be good if we can categorize them well and place them separately. But sometimes, we did not notice that, some of the junk mails or spams are actually stored in our inbox. Just like what happened in our friendship context, some of the friends are junk and rubbish, but we thought they are friends. That's so wrong. It's time to reorganize my inbox to filter out some of the junk mails from it.

Hated Friends
There's contradicting feelings towards a friend sometimes, mostly happened to friends who are very close to us or used to be very close to us. It's a complicated feeling, i love them but hate them at the same time. Anyway, I dont wish to talk about this in detailed.

Lovely Friends
I really miss some of my buddies back then. I enjoyed talkin to them, hanging out with them and i miss those moments. Too bad, they are very far from me, and i suppose.. what i can do is continue missing them; and that's it.

Don't need Friends
And too bad, most of the time when I'm reading novel or watching series, i think i dont need any friends. And sometimes i neglected my old friends, and i'm sure some of them are pretty used to it.

After about 1 week of me complaining bout loneliness when i moved into Kuantan, i just noticed something. I realized i'm lonely not because it's forced by the environment, surroundings or people. It's because i chose to be alone, how ironic is that. Analyzing it, i listed out the potential reasons for it:

1. I don't need friends. Most of the time I'm dating with my laptop for novels and series, ignoring everything else
2. I'm getting to picky in selecting new friends. When we are older, we are wiser and more brilliant, sometimes it's just very easy to see through the real intentions of people's actions and behavior. They aren't looking for friends, they are just looking at the benefits of befriending you.
3. I avoid meeting or getting close with new friends. I'm not comfortable and not ready to meet new friends and get close with them. Probably i miss my old buddies so much that it would disappoint me if they are not up to my expectation.

In conclusion, I'm lonely... and will ever be lonely... unless and until I'm ready to walk out from the lone-rangerhood.

Lesbians and Guilt

Lesbians
On the way back to my room after I had my lunch, i saw two lesbians holding hands. This is not the first time I saw it, and I think it is disgusting. The picture of them holding hands together was just awful. I'm not discriminating their sexual orientation, it's just that I hope they can try not to reveal it so openly. It doesn't matter what they want to do in their house or what, but displaying it so publicly just makes me sick. Especially both girls are tom-boy types with spiky hairs and baggy attire. How should i describe? It's like seeing two girls pretend to be like guys and have a gay relationship, covering both transsexual and gay relationship. Seeing that sight easily spoil my great mood for the day.

Guilt
We were at the same elevator with some of their friends. And once the lift reached my floor level, i couldn't wait to get out of that lift. However, one of their friends was blocking the way, which in my opinion is kinda stupid. Coz she was like standing at the middle of the elevator gate and she doesn't have even a slight intention to give way. However, before I started to growl "excuse me", one of the lesbians tries to indicate her friend to give way, and so she did give way (though it was more like me squeezing through a tiny space gap in between to get out). After getting out of the lift, on the way heading back to my house, I was thinking these few questions:

Why did I disapprove them so much? are they being lesbians something very wrong?
Why did I hate them? and they didn't even try to slightly offend me.
Why did I so care about them being tomboy and les? It's none of my business. Plus, they have their own choices.
What if they are good people? Even if they are les, they certainly can be very nice people as well.
What if I misunderstand them? If they aren't lesbians? What gives me rights to comment them this way?

So, it turns back to the same question. Why did I hate them? They have not offended me, nor do I think lesbians are sinful since everyone has their own right to choose their path(i'm free thinker). Even if they are lesbians, they can be good people as well. And why should I hate any kind of good people in that case? If they aren't lesbians but just close friends who hold hands all the time, the comments I gave just now must be hurtful. And  merely because of my initial judgment and wrong perception, it just made me disapprove the two girls so much! It makes me feel Guilty! very guilty. I understand the power of humans' perception, it can simply leads us to a wrong or bad conclusion. In this case, I'm lucky that I 'realized' that I'm being biased to them. But... in our lives, how many times would we 'realize' that we are being unfair to the others due to our own perceptions. All the while, we only blame, criticize and disapprove others but never question our own thinking. I think I learned a vital lesson here: never rely on our initial judgment and biased perception. I hope I can remember this incident and apply it in many other situations in the future. Yeah, I'm just HOPING, coz we all know that, it is not EASY to apply this in our lives. I hope you all learn something from here too.

Reflecting Thoughts 22/6/2011

So it's Wednesday now. I'm bored, but I'm enjoying my holiday, somehow. I become afraid when I imagine that I wont be having a long and stressless holiday like now in the future. That's why eventhough i'm feeling really bored here but I am happy. At least, i think i should feel happy during this holiday.

My new laptop is satisfactory and I like it. There's just something quite annoying, i couldn't uninstall the anti-virus software. Is the software itself a virus? I start to doubt it. I spent 1/3 time gaming, another 1/3 time sleeping and the last 1/3 time doing something that is so insignificant that i couldn't even remember. What a dull life. I think it's about time for me to call some people out for movies or something. Socialize time~

I have two problems that kind make my life less happy. First problem is the Petronas Bond. It was so ... unknown.. Totally don't know what is going to happen. And another problem is my eye. My left eye is swollen internally... for a few days, weeks or maybe months. It's neither painful nor itchy, but it is swollen. Kinda make me worried. I seek out a doctor last week and she said it was infection and she fed me with 8 pills of antibiotic per day. Pity all my good bacterias which become the victim of this infection (killed by antibiotics). The bad news is, after consuming all those pills.. my eye is still swollen as 'usual'. My parents want me to go see doctor again today; and well, i think i should. i certainly hope that it isn't something like a tumour or cancer cell. It is going to freak me out.

Okay la, sleep early to see doctor tomoro.

Reflecting Thoughts 24/5/11

Totally wasted my 'today', I guess I'd been playing pc game for like 80% of the day. My plan to read novels and watch movies/series was ruined. Partly due to my 'borrowed' netbook; the size of the netbook really demotivated me from reading ebook and watch movies. This really triggers my desire to buy new laptop even more. I want a new laptop!!! But... Patient patient Wei Han!

KL 'Trip"

Just came back from KL yesterday, had two job interviews which I didn't really perform quite well. But I doubt if I could do better given the circumstances. Whatever la, I'd tried (maybe not my best though) but it certainly wouldn't make me regret for it. If the job is meant for me, then it will never run away. (One of the best ways to make one feels better is to pass the responsibility to fate or god, haha)

Overall, the KL trip can be considered un-smooth. Things were not so fluent in a way. The heavy rain, the delayed traffic, the bad seat in the train, the awkwardness with a friend, the emoness of a friend, the not-so-well interview sessions, the trouble i gave to my uncle, the 'leftover' towel, the sold out movie tickets, etc... Frankly, that was one of the reasons for me to return home earlier. I actually wanted to stay till monday or if possible wednesday at first. But i didn't because I'm afraid things are going to get worse somehow. Yeah, I had gotten superstitious. -.- Anyhow, I did enjoy the trip, at least 70% of it was fun.

Back Home

Back in Ipoh, things are... usual. I'm doing the same routine almost everyday, play game here and there. And sweat, i couldn't find myself a movie-mate for Pirates of Caribbean 4. Those who I invited were all busy/unavailable/watched already/poor?? Poor was one of the stupidest excuses given. Btw, anyone wants to invite me for the movie? I pay the movie ticket for you! (I'm sure this will attract many people, but sadly, i was just KIDDING!) Nah, KL trip had made me too poor to treat people movie. Now think about it, perhaps being poor wasn't a very stupid excuse after all. haha.

Phone call

Unintentionally had a long phone call with my fren. 53 minutes! I was shocked; coz it feels like 15-20 minutes like tat only. Erm... time flies faster probably because it was a pleasant conversation? Anyway, if I knew he was on postpaid earlier, I would have ended the call sooner (although we did try to end the phone call couple of times but it ended up with another question/topic). I suppose he has to give some explanations when the phone bill comes. Sorry for that. Shouldn't make assumption that Digi Campus was the package he is using. Assume? Ass-u-me? lol.

Sleep Late Habit

It was so difficult to get rid of this habit. There's a new spark in energy when it is midnight. This is going to spoil my 'face recovery' mission. Haha. Is it fate that I am going to have a scarred, rough and ugly face? Anyway, let's think positively. Take it as a skill, the ability to stay up late. It should be quite important/useful.

Emo on Friendship Problem

Didn't intend to share about this at first. An incident in KL made me rather emo on friendship issue. Some friends are just not worth being treated nice. Having close friends might not be a good thing - something that I just realized not long ago. One quiz for you:

In this world, who is the one you can rely the most? (not Gods or Devils pls)

Give you a few seconds to think about the answer.

..

..

..

Okay, time's up. If your answer was someone else, then probably you are still going to hurt yourself more in the future. The answer for the question above is: YOU and only YOU! You only can depend and rely on yourself! Friends are nice... sometimes. Problem arises when friends suddenly become not so nice and... it hurts. However, if you aren't treating them very nice, you wont feel bad if they are not being nice to you. Therefore, don't be too nice to your friends. Not worth the effort!

This theory/principle is something that I always aware of but I couldn't do it. But, this time, I finally have the determination to 'be cruel to others' in order to 'be nice to myself'. Not to worry much, as mentioned in previous post, if you can make me retain my cheerful mood, I wouldn't be cruel to you. BUT... if you are still trying to irritate me while I'm emo, then please.....

FUCK OFF!!!!

Reflecting Thoughts - 4/5/2011

Introducing new label(title) of my blog: Reflecting Thoughts. Whenever you see my blogpost has this title, it simply means that the post has no specific theme, or thesis statement (sounds very technical right?). Reflecting Thoughts will be posts that i would simply say out what am i thinking at the moment, without specifically relating to any event or incident. Actually, if you have been my consistent blog reader, you would realize, i had actually written many posts similar to Reflecting Thoughts concept in the past, with different titles of course. Anyway, sometimes my mind wanders here and there and i just want to put all my thoughts here. And obviously, as a super considerate blogger, for those who didn't like my Reflecting Thoughts posts can simply ignore reading the post, saving your time from reading something you don't like. A tips for the readers, you can always check the label on the bottom of a post before u decide whether to read the post or not. Anyway, let me start with today's reflecting thoughts.

I had experienced an unexpected emo last night. It was abrupt and sudden. Although I'm not very certain with the reason i got emo, I somehow know what triggers it. Anyway, let's not talk about sad thing, we should talk about ...... something sadder!

My first paper is on Thursday and today is already Wednesday. And the first paper is going to be... MALAYSIAN STUDIES! Seriously, i think this subject is a total crap. It is in fact a death penalty to the foreign students who never took Sejarah before. The questions asked in the test/exam are sometimes very irrelevant from the textbook and the answers given are totally illogic. Taking this subject is very enjoyable, because basically I can skip almost every class, granting me more time to do other stuffs (which most of the time is taking an afternoon nap). The textbook is quite lousy, i somehow think that form 5 sejarah book is of better quality and higher level than this textbook. Many people have been complaining that my cgpa is too high, and they will be happy to know that this subject has a big potential of bringing my cgpa down down down down~

Recently keep on having flashbacks on some memorable moments in UTP. Recalling the moment when we were having our orientation, facing some conflicts we had while doing group project, having different great roommates, killing different species of mosquitoes, seducing lecturers to get high marks, laughing at other people when i get higher marks, ... LOL. I'm just joking. Anyway, there are many precious memories in utp. I suppose this is what ordinary people with feelings face when they are graduating soon. Yeah, i'm graduating.. in 5 days? hoho.. and i'm totally blur and confused with my future paths. Let's see how things go in the future~

I realize i am a much more sentimental person than i thought. I did remember that i cried out loud when i say goodbye to my primary school last time. What an idiot, i didnt even know why i was crying since i'm going to see most of my friends in high school (from SRJK Sam Tet to SMK Sam Tet). Anyway, i didnt really feel sad leaving my high school and i dunno why. Supposingly, i shouldnt feel sad leaving utp either. I guess, i am actually a bit reluctant to face the cruelty of the real working society. I know it wouldnt be similar to student life which is quite a comfort zone to me. That's the reason i feel sad maybe?

Wo~ho! I'm glad that you read until this part. To reward you, i'm going to tell you a funny joke to cheer up your day. The joke starts like this: