Being a Fool

Do you have a friend who gets emo easily and never tell people why he/she is emo-ing about? It will leave you guessing and wondering in what sense you offended that person and caused the emo. Well, I used to have such a friend.

It was a kind gesture for me, yesterday night, to advise or remind to him that speaking out could be better, rather than letting people guessing and wondering what they had done that made him emo. My theory is simple: If the emoness is a result of miscommunication or misunderstanding, then the emoness can be resolved quickly. Thus reducing the duration and frequency of his emoness. Oh well, as expected, he disagreed with my way of handling emoness. Oh fine~ it's not that I expect him to say "oh yeah, thanks for telling, I will try to change". It's more like a "just for you to know" advice. If he takes it, then good; if he doesn't, at least I did my part as a friend.

However, things got uglier when I started to further convince/persuade him on my points. He said, that's just my personal opinion and the reason i told him this is for benefit of myself. (What?!? How does that benefit me!?) Anyway, I told him that some of our mutual friend did tell me about this, so it's not just my personal opinion, some other friends also have the similar thoughts. At that moment, suddenly he went berserk, asking me to stop judging him, (Oh? that's how he defines 'judge'?) who do I think I am to judge him and etc. Judging him? if he isnt a close friend of mine, ermm.. i mean if he wasn't a close friend of mine, i wouldn't even bother to tell him that. Telling the ugly truth needs a lot courage and strong friendship for that to happen, well, i guess our friendship is totally fragile then.

After he had gone mad, I told him if he doesn't agree with the point is okay, but there's no need to be emo about it, just ignore my advice/opinion if so. And this is the time he uses the famous analogy: " If i slap you, and say just ignore that, can or not?" When I listened to that 'analogy', I was actually having some thunderstorm in my heart, yeah anger. In his mind, my kind advice as a friend is equivalent to a slap?? If i knew he think like this, I rather slapped him hard since he probably thinks is the same, and perhaps i have more pleasure doing so. And finally, he continued went berserk and asked me to get lost.


Get lost, first time in my life people said that to me, not in a kidding tone. And it's after my effort of trying to be a good friend. Yes, I knew it beforehand that he isnt a person who likes to listen to these. But, I just couldn't resist myself to tell him that. To me, it's a responsibility of being a close friend, inform and remind that friend about the weakness, at least in my opinion. Hey, u don't wanna listen then it's okay. I just wanted to let you know what I think and what some others might think. Who knows one day you might realize what i said was right.. or if that day doesnt happen, it's alright. I just trying to be a friend, wanting to let you know, the impression u give to others when u emo. I expect you to be defensive, but not to be aggresive! I told one of my friends about this 'incident'. And my friend actually said, if i said that to him,he would thank me for telling him this. Okay, it was nice to hear that. Anyway, I did not expect to be appreciated and thanked for doing this, that's not my purpose anyway. I just want him to be a better person, at least in my own opinion. And what did i get in return? "GET LOST."

So, in conclusion, I'm trying to do a friend's duty to advice/remind a friend about his weakness and he took that as 'a slap' instead of a kind gesture and asked me to get lost. Hmmm.. what do we call this kind of person, trying to be good but ended up being 'appreciated' so badly? I call that, a fool.

Ah... and I'm that stupid fool.  

Social Hunger

Finally reached home from that 8 hours bus ride. Damn, hate wasting all my time on the bus, doing nothing and achieving nothing. I've been thinking a lot during the 8 hours bus journey. Something I can conclude is listening songs in the bus during Night Time would really make one becomes emo. Just imagine, I can even feel sad by listening Nicki Minaj's Starship. It was meant to be a cheerful and relaxing song!

Recently, I had great mood swing. The exact reason that caused it, I'm not sure. However,I do realize that I had a strong urge in getting new friends, meeting old friends, etc. I call that: the social hunger. Desperately craving for friendship to fill up the emptiness in heart. Well, I'm aware that I'm not that lonely, but I'm really feeling lonely for no apparent reason. I'm envious of good friendship of others, I miss the old pals that gave me lots of joy, I am disappointed with some responses of the new friends but I take some of my friends' sincerity for granted. :-(  I've tried. I keep on reminding myself to appreciate those who really treat me well, and I've tried my best to do the same to them. But sometimes, i still tend to neglect their good will and take them for granted. It's that human nature to not appreciate things that you have while getting envious with things that you haven't gotten?

Now i've returned to Kuantan, a place where I live alone, eat alone and basically do everything alone. I do not have many friends here, in fact, I only have One friend who I can actually be myself. I couldnt be myself at work, for some reasons: pride, reputation, impression, etc... And I dislike wearing mask when dealing with colleagues. Furthermore, being the Only Chinese in my company does make my social life incomplete. Not that I'm racist, but language barrier and generation gap are the real factors that barricade the friendship between my colleagues and me. Yes, I am lonely and that's why I eagerly involve myself in the virtual world to seek for friendship in order to stop my social hunger.

Perhaps I've been expecting too much from others. I need distractions, either from novels or from pc games to keep my mind occupied, so that i wouldnt think too much and made myself emo.
Actually, I know I'm not alone but I'm feeling forever alone. This isn't right!

Friends Bin

I feel some friends are really needed to be throw into rubbish bin.
Is my expectation too high? I think so.

Actually, I'm not being selfish.. It's just that I loved myself more than anyone would.
You, him and her... should just go into rubbish bin! farewell.. no no.. no farewell. i dun wanna c u again.

Lonelyman and Boredom

A lonely man

shall keep himself occupied

and never feel bored

because..

boredom will make him realized

that he's indeed...

lonely...

Not proud

I'm not proud of myself..
due to this this that that.

Definitely, some ppl worse than me, i know that.
However, being proud of oneself is not an issue of comparing with others, but a matter of comparing with own self standard.

There's ONE major thing that i feel really ashamed of. Wonder if I still can change~

Wish I am still a kid

"Oh~~ darling don't you ever grow up~"

I wish I am still a kid.

no stress
no expectation
thus no disappointment

having delightful days
upset over tiny matters
and back to cheerful mood within seconds

taken care by elder siblings
loved and pampered by parents
while still complaining that the love given was not enough

that time,
when i was sick
they fed me food

that time,
when i was asleep
they made sure i was covered by blanket

and now I'm alone
knowing nothing
yet trying to be independent

afraid of meeting new friends
disgusted by their ugly fakeness
threatened by their potential betrayal

scared of getting close to friends
worried that i'll get over dependent on the friendship
anxious that our friendship may fade away and never come back

fear of having a girl friend
i dont know if i'm ready and..
i dont want to break someone's heart again

understanding the world
selfishness greed jealousy and violence
even the kindest person may fall into these traps

i'm disappointed
i'm upset
mainly on myself
that i failed to..
..become the ideal 'me' that i wish to be.

"oh~i dont wanna grow up
wish i'd never grown up.
it could still be simple.."

Meaningful activities?

Doing meaningful activities? *smirk*

as if~

Breach of Contract

Seriously, sometimes I kinda hate my sponsor. So for the smarter people next time, please fail your interview and tests so that you never experience my situation.

Want to work?
No offer yet.

Want to work at other place?
Need release letter.

Want to get release letter?
Wait 6 months or break bond.

Wait 6 months?
Other job offers run away.

Want to break bond?
Cannot! What the hell!

Proper Way of Caring

Once again, I realized the my way of caring was wrong. It was not the first time I noticed it, but it will be the last time i mentioned about it. Because.. I decided to change.

Humans are very foolish. They like to listen to nice things, i don't deny i'm one of the 'foolish humans' too. Well, who dislike compliments and flattery?  That's not important anyway, what makes humans really foolish is they are very reluctant to listen to 'bad things' whether or not it comes from goodwill or pure criticism. And that's the mistake i made.

Oh well, give you few examples.

A person eats unhealthy food.
I say: Wah, why you eat such food? It's so unhealthy!

A person always use rude words in conversation.
I say: Don't keep saying vulgar words. It drops your image.

A person who is in bad posture.
I say: Your posture is very bad. You should sit properly.

That's what i did previously. Those words were from good intention. It is done out of caring. If that person isn't in the 'care list', i wouldn't have bothered about what repercussion that is going to happen to that person. However, we all know that people don't like to be 'taught'; they like to be admired instead. So, most people do not appreciate what i did, while instead most of them did not like the things i said. I realized this 3 years ago, but i did not do anything about it. I simply gave up that person and ignore that person forever.

But now.... I decided to change.  There's a reason why smart people are called smart; why friendly people are sociable. And now it's the time i'm going to change... to become smarter and friendlier.
Don't like to hear those words? Fine.. I'm not going to say those things anymore. It's not my business anyway.   Why would my attempt of making them better in the future has to end up as me being blamed and disliked? Totally not worth it. As a self centered person, i never do good deeds for no reasons. I'm not a great angel who is so kind till that extent that would tolerate people blaming me for trying to help them. You could question: maybe it's my way of putting those words doesn't sound polite enough. Partially true, but no matter how polite you are, when it is said repeatedly, no one is going to like it. And why would i go tru such mess for trying to be good?

So, this is what i'm going to do in the future:

A person eats unhealthy food.

I say: Those food are so tasty!

In mind: "let's just hope that you arent going to get cancer" 

A person always use rude words in conversation.

I say: Haha.. That's so funny.

In mind: "such a rude person"

A person who is in bad posture.

I say: (nothing)

In mind: "it's just so ugly!"

People evolve. And i evolve. 

I am becoming more self centered for the sake of myself. People can survive on their own without my comments. (Not that they will pay heed to my comments as well) But, well, for my own good, i think this change is necessary. Everyone loves to listen to good stuffs isn't it? Imagine the difference between the moment i said "the food is so delicious!" and "the food is so unhealthy!", which one would you prefer? Needless to answer, coz i know the answer.  

Secret

I hope i have this very distant friend (or stranger) who i could share my secrets.

Some secrets are tough to be kept.
And disastrous if they are revealed.

I start to lose control over myself.
And it sucks.

Vengeful Nature

I never deny that i'm vengeful in nature. You can say it's childish, but that's just how i am.
I always remember each and every bad thing people had done to me.
Even if I forgive them, I still won't forget the things they did.
Please try not to make me angry.
Coz for the bad things u did, I remember them forever.
 

淡淡的失落

淡淡的失落，也不知为啥。

幽暗的房间，
配上绵绵细雨，
加上失落的心情...

也许，我在为自己的改变而懊恼。
人变了，非往光芒迈进，而跌落无底深渊。
如何拯救自己？

也许，我在为孤单而哭泣。
仍觉寂寞，尽管得到很多人的关心、照顾。
如何填满空虚？

也许，我在为前途而感到恐慌。
前途茫茫，面对黑暗世界的残酷，势必艰难。
如何照明未来？

也许，并没有也许。
只是受这突来的失落气氛感染，
而写下这篇部落格。

虽然我知道，
我并无法为自己做些什么，来战胜这淡淡的失落。

the Emo bin? not for this post!

My roommate said, i had been writing too many emo posts, and i might as well change the name of the blog to emo bin instead of memory bin. So, i decided to write something non-emo this time. Frankly, at this moment, i still havent thought of what i wanted to write. Hmm... give me few seconds to think...

Let's talk about something funny:
"It was winter... and a bird was flying and suddenly it fell dead due to the coldness..."
erm.. funny right? if you've been 'cold'ed, then it's alright. If you are still wondering what the story means, then probably u gotta go meet more people and interact more often. It's just a typical cold joke.

Okay, let's be serious. I am still not sure what should i write. Maybe i should blog about that, yesterday a friend of mine gave me an i-shuffle. I was quite touched seriously. The most expensive gift that i receive from friend, and it is not a Shared gift. (as in a gift that a bunch of people shares the cost)  Thanks to that friend, although i havent started using it yet (but at least i downloaded itunes). Sometimes i just feel blissful for being so blessed. My life has been too good until i would get frustrated for tiny-miny problems and issues. :-/

Life is a long road. Can I presume the road is always smooth and safe? lol, suddenly the mood of the post is turning into a more solemn and emo atmosphere. Let's leave it then. One advice: There are always friends who are very nice to you despite how you treat them. Find out those friends and treat them nicely. What for treating some other friends very nice while they didn't even care to bother? For those friends who you treated them very well but never give you back the treatment you think you deserve, just forget about them, live your life man. You don't need them!

ps: i guess i can really change the blogname into Emo Bin already. lol

My batchmate/housemate?

Sunday night... You know what Sunday night means to me? It's a typical Emo night for me. As usual, i'm slightly emo now but fortunately, I'm just slightly emo.

I was actually quite grateful that my batchmates asked me out for dinner yesterday night. It was a little bit far, my original intention was to create a "i am busy" excuse and skip it. However, they are my batchmates, who i thought they had long forgotten me. Instead of indulging myself into the world of PC games, i know i should go out to join them. I need to socialize, rather than doing the laptop-facing activities that i do all the while. I know i'm lonely too, it's great to meet friends and laugh over stupid jokes. Oh well, most of the time i was the only one laughing. I dun understand why they didnt find it funny. Or perhaps i'm just too happy to meet them, that keeps me cheerful.

It has been sometime since i spend time with my batchmates. Well, as an IT student, we will just have that 'gap' after our internship period. Internship was the time we never meet each other for more than 1 year. And yeah, i felt so batchmateless last semester. It is difficult, as my batchmates are going to graduate later than me while i graduate together with seniors (engineering). Sometimes i feel i'm more like the batchmate of my seniors instead. Maybe others wouldnt feel the situation and feeling i had, i sometimes do not know where should i put my 'loyalty' to. My batchmates? or my seniors who had internship and graduate together with me? This is just so weird. Simple example of a dilemma i face is to choose who should i have my dinner with: My housemates (seniors) or my batchmates.. Sometimes it's just hard to decide and select. And probably my batchmates too felt that i was 'away' and 'disloyal' to them already. And that's the reason why i feel so joyous when they asked me for dinner last night.

How about my coursemates? I have 3 chinese coursemates. Sadly, one goes missing, i suppose he has gone to the LOST world and had some fun with some dinosaurs. Another coursemate, taking different subjects and timeslot which make us hard to meet with. And yeah, he is introvert, locking himself in his room watching drama all days and nights. So the third one, my 'true' coursemate, we will only interact with each other only regarding academic stuffs. We have too much of different thoughts and opinions to talk about the other stuffs.

Hmmm... despite all those, i am still glad that i met them and befriended them. All of them are (used to be) close with me, will never forget them after i graduate. The people are the only one that i will miss after i grad. (well, as if i have graduated now) Few more months left, let's appreciate and cherish the little time we have.

Lonely Home

It is bad...
Nowadays i am consistently feeling lonely and emo for no reasons. It's like part of my life just goes blank without her. But i never regret it, i know that's the right thing and the best thing to do. Perhaps i'm still not used to it, especially when i'm bored.

I didn't really change, i think. I'm still as lazy as before, or perhaps even lazier. I'm bored.. i crave to socialize with people.. and crave for trips.. and frankly, i crave for pure happiness. Hedonism, yeah, that's the word. Pleasure, pleasure and pleasure.. I'm poisoned... by the toxic of wanting to have eternal happiness.....

Okay, enough of my dream of eternal pleasure. it's reality here, and humans can't be always happy. Some people have 3 kinds of mood, positive, neutral and negative.. But not for me, i would only have either positive or negative mood, i rarely feel neutral. In other words, im either happy or sad, no in between. The good thing about it is, i feel happy more often than others; bad thing is: i feel sad more often than others too.

Yeah, now i'm in Ipoh. It was quite lonely in UTP, especially when my roommate and housemates and batchmates are busy. It is even lonelier at home. Oh.~ i miss my roommate. Does it sound gay? I hope not. haha.



Anyway, it's almost time for me to sleep.. I'm feeling so sleepy now.. direct influence from my roommate. Surely i would have to thank him, if his influence could make my face recover from the swarms of pimples. Goodnite.. and i hope i can have a more cheerful tomoro. Tonight... was bad.

雨天

牵手和分手来自同一双手
做回朋友
我却为何不懂挽留

Keep it? End it?

Are you confident that you can keep?
Do you want to waste more time on both of us?
What if she is not the one?
Don't u think she deserves someone better?

Wouldn't it be a pity?
What if she is the one?
Where to find such nice person?
Why do u think u are not someone she deserves?

Would you ever be ready?
Would you ever be committed?
What if the fading feelings aren't temporary?
Do you think you really can change yourself?
Are you mature enough to handle this?
Will you regret doing this?
Will pushing yourself to ready work?

Relationship between Emo and Age

Do you think your emo rate is higher than before?  I do. It's weird though. Supposingly people get more experienced when they are older, and thus should be able to manage their emotion better. Apparently it is not.

Perhaps we are still receiving new kind of challenges that our emo management cannot handle. Or maybe we do not even develop the proper emo management skills. Sometimes, i just feel ridiculous that some small tiny winy problems can make me moody. Yes, it is frustrating, but i know there are many more other even worse things happening (for other people), and i am feeling sad/emo for such a minor thing? Knowing is one thing, feeling is another thing. I know that i should not feel moody for small things like these, but yet, i am still feeling emo. Maybe i'm more of a feeling person instead of a thinking person (which is further proven by some personality tests)

Anyway, i'm interested to go for any emotion management courses. Like one of my friends said, i am a little bit extreme (not moderate) on my emotion. Too easily become overjoyed, and too easily become sad. Imbalance, i think. Perhaps emotion management courses can balance it up. Is there any cheap (or free) emotion management courses/talks available?

Sometimes, i am a bit envy with my old me which is much more cheerful than now. Is it applied to everyone that when a person gets older, the happiness rate will decrease while emo rate increases? If that's true, i'm really feeling sorry for those who are sad even when they are young. It means they will be more sad when they are older? Assuming the theory is true, let's have more fun while we can,  since we are going to be more sad in the future. What a theory.

In any depression or desperate situation, i think i can tell myself :"Well, at least i used to be happy."

a little emo for unknown reason.

I am feeling a little emo for unknown reason. Usually, I would guess that the emoness is related to academic. But i feel there's more than that. Something else is bothering me, but i do not know what the something is. This is annoying. z.z

Due Date.

alert: this post is very not interesting. bcoz i'm actually writing wat i'm thinking, jz to release stress maybe. i didnt try to use words and sentences that could sound entertaining nor interesting to the readers. so, i dun recommend u to read, but if u insist reading it, i couldnt do anything.

Yesterday night (Thursday 10pm), one of my groupmate told me (after i asked her things related to the project) that we had to submit a progress report on coming Monday. I really 'love' the lecturer, she didnt even tell us this, and she posted this up in elearning when we were off to raya holiday. And ppl with conscious minds know that people wont go to elearning during holiday except those insane ppl. (what? u are one of them? sorry, but... no excuse, u are indeed insane if u go elearning during holiday) 

Okay, so what now? we had done NOTHING for the project. So how are we going to submit a PROGRESS report while we had no progress at all? hmm.. worried, and a bit panic and alot lot of stress. I'm telling my groupmates, they dun nid to sleep on sunday night. We have to rush the report by hook or by crook, maybe creating some false progress or craps, i dunno! but we have to fix this! However, i know, last minute work is always bad, and cant score. So, i'm feeling sad. Sad + stressed are deadly!

Now is saturday early morning (3am), and why didnt i start doing it on friday? reason? i couldnt access elearning. and now i could access elearning (at 1am), and i dun want to do. reason? no mood. what does that mean? no cure! stressed but want to start doing it... and the only way to solve the 'stress' is to start doing it. but i'm not doing it, so i continue feel stressed. i shud slp, right? but i dun feel like sleeping? stupid? yeah. i wanted to delay.. to later.. and later and later.. this sem i always delaying work. why? i dunno. bad? yes. fix it? no. zzzz

ok, whatever, jz to type the first thing came into my mind. this post is special. i didnt think what i'm going to write. i'm writign what i am thinking at the moment. so, it could be a bit confusing, u know la, brain processes thing quite fast and complicated. anyway, that's all for this post. wasted ur time reading it? i think so.  let me now add an alert in the beginning of the post to warn u all not to read this post.